35 and losing it

I turned 35 two weeks ago and since then, I felt myself spiraling downwards. Basically, I’m a very happy and optimistic person but for more than a week now, I feel so depressed and frustrated for so many reasons. I hated my work so much that I told most of my clients that I’ll be taking an indefinite leave. Inquiries for my online businesses (with the exception of my Paypal exchange) have been left unanswered.

The truth is I wanted out. I feel like CDO is suffocating me. I have this undeniable need to venture to other places but so many things are preventing me. As a single mom, I have my kids’ welfare to think about first and foremost. Leaving my youngest behind might slowly kill me in the process. Plus anytime in the next month, the house that we’ve had constructed might be completed and we might need to bid goodbye to the humble abode we’ve called home for the last 11 years. Moving would mean that my children’s school would no longer be a stone’s throw away.

I’m earning rather well (not millionaire’s standard of course but enough for my needs and wants) with my online work and I know looking for a job that pays as good as what I have right now will prove to be a challenge except if I try my luck abroad. However, for several weeks now, the joy I used to derive from working online has been sucked out of me. Dealing with my clients and the staff has become so much an ordeal that it came to a point that I’d prefer not having anything at all than go through the notion of catering to the whims and caprices of the people surrounding me at work.

Perhaps I’m just burned out. My bestfriend Jing has always pointed out how I managed to stay perky with so many things going on in my life. Aside from my kids, my responsibilities at home, my work, and my online businesses, I also have responsibilities to my organization- the JCI Bai Lawanen. What’s ironic though is despite all these, I still feel bored and empty most of the time.

And I wonder why am I feeling this way? I’m lucky I get to be with my kids all the time. I’m surrounded by like minded and well meaning friends. I get to support worthy endeavors of my chosen organization. My work has given me the flexibility of time.

A good friend told me perhaps not being in a relationship might be the cause why I am restless. But I think not. I was in a relationship for 14 years and it brought me both so much heartache and joy to last me a life time. It’s just been a year and I am in no hurry to bind myself to someone else again. Unlike Jen and Jing (friends who share basically the same fate as I do), I am not hoping that the next person I meet or date will be the person I’ll be spending the rest of my life with. In fact, I embrace the opportunity to meet new people by dating. Dating for me is just that- a chance to meet new people. I’ve dated quite a few guys in the last year and though there’s someone I find interesting and worth knowing; I’m too realistic and too jaded to understand that at this stage of my life, a long distance relationship is something I don’t need right now. I’m no longer allergic to the word LOVE but I am in no way actively searching for it. If it comes, why not? But I’d rather that it will not come just yet when I don’t have any inkling on how to best proceed with my life. hahaha

This is the downside of being me. When I’m happy…. I feel like I own the world. When I am depressed, it would take a lot to get me out of this rut. I don’t feel sorry for myself…. I take pains to entertain myself. I just can’t reconcile the fact that after the fun, I’d feel sadder than ever.

Perhaps I just need to detox and take a short break. Be away from things that seem to bother me. Perhaps being away from home will give me the opportunity to reflect on what steps I need to take to get on with my life and be happy once again.