Of Guilt and Selfish Pleasures

I have been feeling guilty lately that I am not spending as much time as I used to with my kids. I know this is a normal feeling for working moms specially to single working mothers like me however I have hit a serious bump a few weeks back right after I celebrated my birthday. Though I am no longer as depressed as I used to be, feelings of melancholia and despondence would come to haunt me from time to time. And when this happen, I always make it a point to be as far as possible from the home front.

Main reason for this is I cannot bear for my kids to witness my erratic mood swings lest they might think their mom is fit to be admitted to an insane asylum. I’m good at bottling things inside but I snap with no notice at all and a mental breakdown in front of my kids is something I should avoid at all cost. They have been through a lot the past few years and I marvel at the fact that despite everything, they seem to take everything in stride. I know it’s going to be a different issue if they see me break down so despite the inner demons in me, I try to be normal.

So when I feel overwhelmed, I always hie off to my happy place- the beach and lose myself in my personal paradise. I am at my happiest when I can hear the sea singing its lullaby to me. To me this is the most selfish of all pleasures because I tend to forget about my problems and concentrate in ME alone. And as thoughtless as it seems, my kids have momentarily taken the back seat every time this happens.

I should not be feeling this way especially that I have been working extremely hard the past few years so I can give my kids the kind of life they deserve. I know I have to work double time as a single mom so I feel guilty that I spend more hours than the usual working, instead of spending it with them. I feel sad that Dylan and Dion have grown up so fast and seem to need my presence less. For me, they have grown to be too independent that’s why even though I have learned to somehow hate the job I used to love with a passion, I am still thankful that at least I get to spend more time and watch my youngest, Drew, grow.

I also feel guilty with the fact that I could never give them the conventional family that they deserve. Though there are more and more families with just a single parent, this is still a sore spot for me because I somehow failed in this area. I tried though but I guess my best wasn’t just good enough and I’ve had enough of the bs.

I’m praying that there will never be a time that my kids will blame me for being a part of a broken family. I hope that they truly understand that whatever happened was for their best interest too. Yes, I am selfish that I didn’t persevere as much as I should but I knew it was useless to keep on trying to keep the family together when nothing has changed at all. I am guilty that I feel so relieved that I am no longer in a hellish situation but at what cost? Not my kids, I hope.

 

Dating Woes of a Single Mom

When I became a single mom, dating or finding someone special was at the bottom of my list of priorities. I was not in the look out for anyone. However, when someone asks me out and if I find them remotely interesting I would go out on dates. Yup… I jumped right back at the dating scene without any expectations.

So how was the dating scene? Nothing has changed since the last time I was into it. The only thing different now, being older and not totally wiser, is that the stakes are higher. Dating in your 30’s has some kind of air of desperation. Most of my dates never went past the first or second one.

And why is that? You might ask. Many people have this wrong notion that single moms are desperate or in dire need of any attention from the opposite sex. There are so many small minded people out there who think that single moms are fair game. It doesn’t bother me because I’m not desperate and I’m not easy. Plus I never really cared about what other people think. Why should I in the first place?

So I dated….most consisted of one or two dinner dates though I dated a guy 5 times, we could not bring the status of our relationship to a new level. The fault was mostly mine. I am not yet ready to commit. Plus I find someone else a lot more interesting than him. So when he asked me out for the 6th time, I told him that he better put his efforts somewhere else. He was Mr. Probability. He was someone I was comfortable with. I wanted to be with someone whose chemistry with me is undeniable. I may think that happily ever after is not meant for me but should I get lucky, I wanted to be with someone I find truly irresistible and so exciting that I could not literally keep my hands off him. 😉 Yup, I want the combustible kind, not something that could grow on me.

My choices are rather limited though…. the good ones are always taken or either gay. True. Most guys I have dated lately are either too young for me or too smooth for my own taste. I just can’t believe the gall of guys who are married or are committed to someone else yet have the guts to ask me out. Seriously? I never will date a guy if I know he’s married or in a relationship with someone else. I can never be the OTHER Woman willingly and knowingly.

Some friends say that I am crazy to be dating at my age. At 35, I think not. I’m just living my life to the fullest. I’m a firm believer that opportunities do not always come in pretty packages so that’s why I am exploring my choices instead of waiting in vain for something that might not come at all. Or waste my time mulling over failed romances.