Of Guilt and Selfish Pleasures

I have been feeling guilty lately that I am not spending as much time as I used to with my kids. I know this is a normal feeling for working moms specially to single working mothers like me however I have hit a serious bump a few weeks back right after I celebrated my birthday. Though I am no longer as depressed as I used to be, feelings of melancholia and despondence would come to haunt me from time to time. And when this happen, I always make it a point to be as far as possible from the home front.

Main reason for this is I cannot bear for my kids to witness my erratic mood swings lest they might think their mom is fit to be admitted to an insane asylum. I’m good at bottling things inside but I snap with no notice at all and a mental breakdown in front of my kids is something I should avoid at all cost. They have been through a lot the past few years and I marvel at the fact that despite everything, they seem to take everything in stride. I know it’s going to be a different issue if they see me break down so despite the inner demons in me, I try to be normal.

So when I feel overwhelmed, I always hie off to my happy place- the beach and lose myself in my personal paradise. I am at my happiest when I can hear the sea singing its lullaby to me. To me this is the most selfish of all pleasures because I tend to forget about my problems and concentrate in ME alone. And as thoughtless as it seems, my kids have momentarily taken the back seat every time this happens.

I should not be feeling this way especially that I have been working extremely hard the past few years so I can give my kids the kind of life they deserve. I know I have to work double time as a single mom so I feel guilty that I spend more hours than the usual working, instead of spending it with them. I feel sad that Dylan and Dion have grown up so fast and seem to need my presence less. For me, they have grown to be too independent that’s why even though I have learned to somehow hate the job I used to love with a passion, I am still thankful that at least I get to spend more time and watch my youngest, Drew, grow.

I also feel guilty with the fact that I could never give them the conventional family that they deserve. Though there are more and more families with just a single parent, this is still a sore spot for me because I somehow failed in this area. I tried though but I guess my best wasn’t just good enough and I’ve had enough of the bs.

I’m praying that there will never be a time that my kids will blame me for being a part of a broken family. I hope that they truly understand that whatever happened was for their best interest too. Yes, I am selfish that I didn’t persevere as much as I should but I knew it was useless to keep on trying to keep the family together when nothing has changed at all. I am guilty that I feel so relieved that I am no longer in a hellish situation but at what cost? Not my kids, I hope.

 

Of Spur of the Moment Decisions

I am a contradiction of sorts. I am both hot and cold. I love making lists and discarding them. I like planning ahead of time yet I love making spur of the moment decisions.

Just recently, I made an unplanned trip to Camiguin with my friends Vanessa, Apple and Charlotte. A good friend of mine, Keissy, actually gave me tickets for Palawan but no one wanted to go there as it was too expensive to travel there during the summer season and I did not feel like traveling alone with my present state of mind. I was feeling overwhelmed about a lot of things and I was beginning to feel my age. I did not like the idea that I would feel like crying over the smallest of things. I got irritable too so I knew escape was in order for me to get out of my funk.

And it was exactly what I needed… a rendezvous in paradise. Being in my happy place has erased the blues that were bugging me right after I celebrated my birthday. The moment I stepped in the sandy shores of Camiguin, I felt like I just died and gone to heaven.

And who would not be happy in paradise? Certainly not me.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Last weekend, I found myself in Iligan for the 2nd JCI ACM. I did not plan on going. In fact I even made plans to meet different group of friends over the weekend but things change so on Friday at close to 11PM, I found myself on a road trip going to Iligan. Hahaha! talk about 11th hour trips. But I had loads of fun. I get to meet a lot of new friends. I get to enjoy an epic pool party despite the alcohol shortage. Yup…in short…. these two spur of the moment getaways were exactly what I wanted- fun, relaxing and hassle free. Exactly what my crazy mind needed to detox and de-stress.

 

 

Of Fidelity, Love and The Legal Wife

I would have been very blind not to see or notice the flooding of statuses regarding The Legal Wife. Let’s face it, almost every girl can relate to either Monica or Nicole in that series.

I was in Camiguin with some friends when I first watched an episode last Friday. What’s my take on it? I got pissed with myself because I got so affected that I promised NEVER to watch another episode. My friends laughed when I said that had I been Monica in the series, I would have really done a Fast and the Furious scene and ensure neither one would have survived getting hit by the car. Yup….I just realized that I really have a penchant for violence when provoked.

I find it sad that society seems to have a morbid fascination about anything related to fidelity in a relationship. TV series or movies about that subject are always popular. I don’t like the fact that media seems to be giving a message that it’s normal to be unfaithful. It is NOT and it will never be NORMAL.

If you are unhappy with your setup up with your current partner, the best option to take is to let go of that person before you enter another relationship. It is never right to be with someone when you are committed to someone else. Ladies are no exception to this rule.

For the straying cats out there, give your partner the respect that they deserve. Be faithful. Sad to say, I encounter more and more people who think nothing about seeing someone else even when they’re already married or in a relationship. I should know. I was a victim of that kind of relationship. My ex was seeing a bevy of other girls during our 14 year relationship and I was the last to know. And I could not understand how some of these girls would willingly date him when they knew we were still very much together. They should know. After all some of these girls were our office mates.

Illicit affairs are exciting and perhaps they liked the idea of being the other woman. For me, it just means that they’re desperate and have low self esteem to allow themselves to be the “kabit”. It’s different if you did not know though. I used to date a colleague when my ex and I first broke up. I knew he was married but he swore he and the wifey already called it quits since the wife found someone else. A month after dating, I found out they were still very much together and they were just geographically separated so to speak. Tsk tsk tsk…. so I ended things between us and sent a silent apology to the unsuspecting wife. And the guy? Did not even have the decency to apologize to me. And he still asks me out from time to time when he’s in town. The nerve! I have long stop replying to his messages though but did not “unfriend” him on FB since I wasn’t that affected anyway. He was such a hottie though. 😉

So if you’ve ever been a victim of a modern day Cassanova or Don Juan de Marco, I suggest you stay away from The Legal Wife or any TV series and movies with that tone. Trust me, your blood pressure will surely go up.

 

 

 

 

Dating Woes of a Single Mom

When I became a single mom, dating or finding someone special was at the bottom of my list of priorities. I was not in the look out for anyone. However, when someone asks me out and if I find them remotely interesting I would go out on dates. Yup… I jumped right back at the dating scene without any expectations.

So how was the dating scene? Nothing has changed since the last time I was into it. The only thing different now, being older and not totally wiser, is that the stakes are higher. Dating in your 30’s has some kind of air of desperation. Most of my dates never went past the first or second one.

And why is that? You might ask. Many people have this wrong notion that single moms are desperate or in dire need of any attention from the opposite sex. There are so many small minded people out there who think that single moms are fair game. It doesn’t bother me because I’m not desperate and I’m not easy. Plus I never really cared about what other people think. Why should I in the first place?

So I dated….most consisted of one or two dinner dates though I dated a guy 5 times, we could not bring the status of our relationship to a new level. The fault was mostly mine. I am not yet ready to commit. Plus I find someone else a lot more interesting than him. So when he asked me out for the 6th time, I told him that he better put his efforts somewhere else. He was Mr. Probability. He was someone I was comfortable with. I wanted to be with someone whose chemistry with me is undeniable. I may think that happily ever after is not meant for me but should I get lucky, I wanted to be with someone I find truly irresistible and so exciting that I could not literally keep my hands off him. 😉 Yup, I want the combustible kind, not something that could grow on me.

My choices are rather limited though…. the good ones are always taken or either gay. True. Most guys I have dated lately are either too young for me or too smooth for my own taste. I just can’t believe the gall of guys who are married or are committed to someone else yet have the guts to ask me out. Seriously? I never will date a guy if I know he’s married or in a relationship with someone else. I can never be the OTHER Woman willingly and knowingly.

Some friends say that I am crazy to be dating at my age. At 35, I think not. I’m just living my life to the fullest. I’m a firm believer that opportunities do not always come in pretty packages so that’s why I am exploring my choices instead of waiting in vain for something that might not come at all. Or waste my time mulling over failed romances.

 

 

 

 

35 and losing it

I turned 35 two weeks ago and since then, I felt myself spiraling downwards. Basically, I’m a very happy and optimistic person but for more than a week now, I feel so depressed and frustrated for so many reasons. I hated my work so much that I told most of my clients that I’ll be taking an indefinite leave. Inquiries for my online businesses (with the exception of my Paypal exchange) have been left unanswered.

The truth is I wanted out. I feel like CDO is suffocating me. I have this undeniable need to venture to other places but so many things are preventing me. As a single mom, I have my kids’ welfare to think about first and foremost. Leaving my youngest behind might slowly kill me in the process. Plus anytime in the next month, the house that we’ve had constructed might be completed and we might need to bid goodbye to the humble abode we’ve called home for the last 11 years. Moving would mean that my children’s school would no longer be a stone’s throw away.

I’m earning rather well (not millionaire’s standard of course but enough for my needs and wants) with my online work and I know looking for a job that pays as good as what I have right now will prove to be a challenge except if I try my luck abroad. However, for several weeks now, the joy I used to derive from working online has been sucked out of me. Dealing with my clients and the staff has become so much an ordeal that it came to a point that I’d prefer not having anything at all than go through the notion of catering to the whims and caprices of the people surrounding me at work.

Perhaps I’m just burned out. My bestfriend Jing has always pointed out how I managed to stay perky with so many things going on in my life. Aside from my kids, my responsibilities at home, my work, and my online businesses, I also have responsibilities to my organization- the JCI Bai Lawanen. What’s ironic though is despite all these, I still feel bored and empty most of the time.

And I wonder why am I feeling this way? I’m lucky I get to be with my kids all the time. I’m surrounded by like minded and well meaning friends. I get to support worthy endeavors of my chosen organization. My work has given me the flexibility of time.

A good friend told me perhaps not being in a relationship might be the cause why I am restless. But I think not. I was in a relationship for 14 years and it brought me both so much heartache and joy to last me a life time. It’s just been a year and I am in no hurry to bind myself to someone else again. Unlike Jen and Jing (friends who share basically the same fate as I do), I am not hoping that the next person I meet or date will be the person I’ll be spending the rest of my life with. In fact, I embrace the opportunity to meet new people by dating. Dating for me is just that- a chance to meet new people. I’ve dated quite a few guys in the last year and though there’s someone I find interesting and worth knowing; I’m too realistic and too jaded to understand that at this stage of my life, a long distance relationship is something I don’t need right now. I’m no longer allergic to the word LOVE but I am in no way actively searching for it. If it comes, why not? But I’d rather that it will not come just yet when I don’t have any inkling on how to best proceed with my life. hahaha

This is the downside of being me. When I’m happy…. I feel like I own the world. When I am depressed, it would take a lot to get me out of this rut. I don’t feel sorry for myself…. I take pains to entertain myself. I just can’t reconcile the fact that after the fun, I’d feel sadder than ever.

Perhaps I just need to detox and take a short break. Be away from things that seem to bother me. Perhaps being away from home will give me the opportunity to reflect on what steps I need to take to get on with my life and be happy once again.

 

 

 

 

Let’s Pray for Healing

Found this on FB this morning. I watched the video and tears just would not stop flowing. When will my heartbreak for typhoon Yolanda victims end? Let’s Pray for Healing. Let’s pray that the towns and cities affected by the typhoon will rise again from the ashes like the phoenix.

 

Help the Victims of Super Typhoon Haiyan/Yolanda

Let’s help our fellow countrymen. We have to make conscious effort to extend whatever we can- donations, time, money and even effort. They need us so they can rise like the phoenix

Women Take Heed

Recently, I liked a page in Facebook aptly called I am Fed Up with Your Lies and Cheating and I liked a lot of quotes that were there. I am no longer bitter with my failed relationship and though I am hoping that something will work out with someone, I am really not putting all that I have into something that has not even started. The quotes here are just reposts from other websites too but I just copied them from this FB page.

So, to all the girls out there…take heed…

hav

Bottom line is, if you have doubts…listen to your intuition. Do not ignore it. Take your time to understand your fears. Falling in love is easy, getting over a heart break is not.

I’ll end this post with an old favorite from Keith Sweat.

My Fitness Idol- Jennifer Aniston

Like I said in my previous post, I have never been this serious when it comes to losing weight and shedding off unwanted pounds permanently. I am not getting any younger and I want to get fit for health and vanity reasons. It’s not easy. Really. I am a very busy single mother of 3. I work full time online and I also have online businesses that I am taking care of during my spare time. However, it came to a point when I have become increasingly unhappy with the state that my body is in. I cringe every time I look in the mirror. I hate that most of my clothes don’t fit anymore (in fact I still have a lot of clothes that haven’t been worn yet, still with tags and all). I have to come to terms and accept the fact that I have given birth more than two years ago and should have shed off those excess weight a long time ago.

So my determination was born. I started planning and actually took the time to start running and jogging first with two fitness buddies who are also serious about getting fit again. And for the first time in my life…I started dieting. Yes, I removed sodas and sweets from my daily menu. I eat rice once a day only and for less than a cup. I started incorporating more fruit and veggies in my meals. Now I exercise 5-6 times a week alternating running/jogging with zumba/hiphop. My fitness body Lea would like to add Belly Dancing to our routine once a week. Pretty soon, we would like to include swimming and Muay Thai too.

I have lost weight and feel a lot better. I’m halfway through my goal of going back to size S and 100 lbs. I wish I could have Jennifer Aniston’s banging body. She’s 44 years old and she’s so fit.  Here are some pics of her in bikinis courtesy of eonline.com.

Joining the Fitness Bandwagon

For several weeks, I have been into this fitness craze. I dance or run 5-6x a week and for the first time in my life, I forced myself to go on diet. It was very difficult for me to give up soft drinks since I am the type of person who would always have carbonated drinks but after several days of not giving in to my cravings, I have successfully conquered my need to drink colas. It seems I have also gotten rid of my sweet tooth. I NO longer have stock of chocolates and cakes inside my ref. Much to the dismay of my sons who always raid my loot. =)

Getting rid of junk food is quite easy as I am not in to junk food that much. It’s also okay for me to forego rice as I only eat rice once a day. The 2 things that I could not seem to give up are coffee and cigarettes. =) I know I should give up cigarettes but they’re really my stress relievers. And besides, I only smoke when I am not at home. 

Vanity is just one of the reasons why I want to lose weight and get fit. I always lose weight when I workout but I also gain them back the moment I stop going to the gym. The reason for this is because I never made the conscious decision to go on a diet when I was working out. This time, I am really serious of getting back in shape. And I think I’ll be able to do it this time. =)

To date I have lost 8 lbs already but I feel slimmer, fitter and healthier. I plan to lose 10 more pounds since I want to go back to my pre-Drew body. Yes, I want to go back to rocking bikinis and LBDs! =) Despite the age. hahaha.